Former Senator Mike Gravel: Cah-Ray-Zee

I'm one of the nerds who turned on the Democratic presidential debate and sat through 90% of it without taking any breaks. I just have a few basic observations.

1) Former Senator Mike Gravel (D-Alaska) is crazier than a chipmunk in a meth lab and quite possibly more senile than certain mineral deposits. Hollering about how he's being ignored, treated like a "potted plant" while he's actually the "senior statesman," and flipping out at strange rhetorical straw men of his own creation. By the end of the debate I was actively rooting for MSNBC to cut back to Gravel to ask him about Sanjaya's elimination from American Idol or whether or not Rosie should be leaving The View. It's a remarkable skill for a politician to be able to dodge any question- Gravel possesses the unique ability to become enraged and personally insulted at any question. I am now actively supporting this man for the same reason I supported Sanjaya- entertainment.

2) Am I the only guy to have noticed Bill Richardson sweating? Like...a lot? If you start your debate off with the words, "Brian, I'm a Westerner," you should fare a little bit better under the hot klieg lights than the two frontrunners (who both come from Chicago.) CNN was predicting a breakout performance from a guy who ended up looking like he was getting polygraphed about the movies he ordered in his hotel room.

3) Chris Dodd cannot actually be a politician. No way in hell. He sounds, acts and looks like what Hollywood thinks a politician should look like. He came right out of central casting. Need proof? Check out his hair. Perfect, shiny, patrician-white hair. But he's got brown eyebrows! I rest my case. Pull back the mirror and you'll find Dustin Hoffman feeding him scripts.

4) Barack Obama...I guess the word "underwhelmed" would be the one for which I'm looking. I was really hoping to get blown away. No such luck, I guess. He still gets my vote. I guess.

5) Dennis Kucinich is like political Raisin Bran, except in reverse- delicious flakes of progressive common sense poisoned by two scoops of Commie. When he pulled out that copy of the Constitution from his pocket I fully expected it to be a Little Red Book. To the credit of a man who looks like a 5'3" Mickey Mouse, he's got an astonishingly hot wife who's a full head taller than him. And he knows how good he's got it, too- watch the replay. During the mingle-time at the end of the debate, Denny makes a grab for the gray area between his wife's lower back and...well, what lies below her lower back. (And to her credit, she politely brushes his hand away.)

6) Joe Biden gets the best one-liner of the night. When asked in a lengthy Brian Williams question if he had the ability to control his gaffes, mischaracterizations and flat-out mistakes (Winston's still rolling in his grave, guy) he responded, "Yes." Dead silence. Slight, smug Biden grin. Howls of laughter. Williams moves to the next question. Score.

7) John Edwards remains pretty, but...I'm just not sure I'm onboard with much else. He's just really charming and friendly. That's about it, it seems. And you lose the ability to pull out the "two Americas" speech after you consult for a hedge fund. Tsk tsk.

8) Hillary did all right. If two things happened, I would support her. A) She became electable against a moderate Republican. She's not. B) I got over my smouldering distaste for her which has been bred since she became such a consummate compromise artist in the Senate. It would be mature of me, and she's been doing the most good she can for the most people. But I have so little confidence left in people who have spent time in Washington, especially since I've begun to work in government. The longer you spend legislating, the further you remove yourself from reality, and the more you rely upon testimony and media reports to consolidate your position on the issues. She's the only candidate I've met in person, and I think she might be the most....professional of the bunch. But I don't think people should fault me for wanting someone in the White House who doesn't know where all the lightswitches are already.

Anyway. Tonight's take-home message: Please give money to Senator Mike Gravel's campaign, in as significant quantities as you can afford. It is the absolute best use of your entertainment dollar I can imagine.